Harry Potter: Enter Juvenile Delinquency
by MajikCaesar
Summary: A silly parody of Harry Potter written by a 14 year old and edited by a 19 year old in which Harry is an immature bad-boy who does everything he can to piss off his friends and peers. A comedy gem, hilarity ensues in this mini novel. This could be a screenplay! And just in case you were wondering, there is a plot.


**Harry Potter: Enter Juvenile Delinquency**

**A Fan-Fiction by 14-year-old Kyle Harper **

**Edited by 19-year-old Kyle Harper with minor adjustments**

**Chapter One: The Dursleys**

So it all started as Dudley was sitting in the kitchen eating pancakes. Harry Potter had had enough of Dudley making messes on the table just so he could watch Harry use magic to clean it up. Harry used a spell to lift Dudley's butter knife and stab him with the dull blade until he begged for mercy in which case, Harry would still not remove the spell.

As Dudley sat screaming in the chair, Harry lifted the pancakes with his wand and shoved them in his mouth, chewing loudly and spitting pancake batter everywhere. His stupid aunt was the absolute worst cook ever.

"Aunt Petunia? Yes you. Get your ugly rump down here and make a fresh batch of these crapcakes." Harry turned towards Dudley again who was licking the butter off of the moving knife. Harry became angry at Dudley's smart aleck attempts to tick him off, so he turned the knife into a shark and it ate Dudley. Harry laughed so hard he peed his pants and said, "Oh great. This SUCKS."

Harry went upstairs to change his pants. When he was finished, he looked at the broken T.V. which Dudley had smashed his foot through when his favorite T.V. show was cancelled. He became angry at how dimwitted Dudley was. He picked up the T.V. and looked out the window.

"Ughh…" Harry decided to call his uncle to open the window for him. UNCLE VERNON! GET YOUR FAT UGLY FAT IN HERE!" Uncle Vernon raced quickly into the room, gasping for air. "Open the window you creep," Harry said. Uncle Vernon lifted up the window and Harry flung the T.V. out. It landed on an innocent cat that, surprisingly, was completely unharmed, despite the T.V. exploding when it hit it. The kitten gave a defeated, "Meow," and walked away. Harry laughed until he peed his pants again and said, "Oh great. This SUCKS."

Uncle Vernon laughed when he saw the wet stain on Harry's Pants. Harry gave Uncle Vernon a dirty look and pushed him out the window.

Uncle Vernon had a lot of experience jumping out windows, considering he fell out of the hospital window when he was just born and survived the fall. Another time, Harry pulled him out the window during the escape with Ron in the flying Ford Angela.

Harry walked downstairs to find his aunt making a fresh batch of what he calls "Petunias Famous Crapcakes." She tells Harry that she's almost done and that these will be better than what she gave Dudley. This pleased Harry, but not enough to stop him from lifting the pan with his wand and dumping the flaming hot pancake batter onto Aunt Petunias head. By now she was used to the crap that Harry pulled. It almost made Aunt Petunia feel sorry for her sister, Lily Potter for having to raise a juvenile delinquent for the first year of Harry's life, but then she felt sorrier for herself as she had to raise Harry for the 16 years after that.

Aunt Petunia sighed and pulled out more pancake batter from the cabinet. Harry saw the shark still sitting on the table where Dudley's breakfast was sitting just a few minutes ago. He poofed it away and brought Dudley back to life so that he could kill him again later…and he WOULD kill him again later.

**Chapter Two: The Hogwarts Express**

Harry Potter decided to ride the train this year so that he could tick off the people sitting in front of him by kicking the wall. The snack trolley skipped Harry this year as he bought out the cart every single year he rode the train causing other people to starve. "Hey!" Harry said as the cart passed him, seemingly not knowing he was sitting there. He unlocked his compartment door and started cussing out the innocent lady steering the cart.

"They told me not to serve you this year because you make people starve!" said the lady.

"Ok, listen lady," Harry started, "I don't care what the HECK they tell you because THEY are idiots!" Harry threw a wad of cash at the woman and dragged the cart to his compartment and locked the door. Satisfied, Harry opened a box of Bertie Bots every flavor beans. Whoops! He accidentally took a bite out of a dog crap flavored one and shoved it up Ron's nose. Ron got mad at Harry for being stupid and started complaining. Harry didn't respond well to this action. He picked Ron up and drop-kicked him out the window.

Quickly Harry unlocked the compartment and shouted to everyone to throw their lunch at Ron, who was lying motionless on the side of the track. Everyone behind Harry had enough time to throw food at Ron because, well, they were behind Harry, and they had actually been able to buy from the snack trolley. Harry giggled as he watched strawberry paste hit Ron in the face and the train drove away.

By now Hermione had completely changed her mind about even wanting to be friends with Harry, so she sat with her friend, Cho Chang. They weren't really friends though, they were actually enemies trying to fake friendship so they wouldn't have to deal with Harry. That didn't stop Harry though.

Hermione and Cho were sitting right in front of Harry so he opened the seat window and started dumping orange juice on them. Then he closed the window and started kicking the wall. "Ha ha!" Harry taunted. Cho and Hermione changed seats to get away from Harry. Harry folded his arms. He was bored for the rest of the trip.

**Chapter Three: The Arrival at Hogwarts**

The train pulled up across the lake from Hogwarts and Harry was first off after pushing everyone else out of the way so that he could get off first.

"WHEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!" Harry said as he was running straight toward the lake. Actually he wasn't really running. He was pretty much flying with his feet touching the ground every few yards. Professor McGonagall was standing at the dock ready to escort students to Hogwarts. She looked over at Harry, who developed a semi-angry and determined look as he was running toward the Professor.

"Oh dear…I have a feeling this is…" and with that, Professor McGonagall was soaring through the air over the lake, and her airtime ended with a splash. She paddled to the surface and started lecturing Harry while floating. Harry was about to listen, but a shiny object on the ground caught his eye. It was smooth too. Harry had a real love for shiny smooth objects, so he picked it up. When he figured out it was just a rock, he threw it at McGonagall and laughed until he peed his pants and said, "Oh great. This SUCKS."

Harry soon arrived at Hogwarts. Draco Malfoy stopped him from going any further in the moving stairwell. "Are you ready for another year at Hogwarts, Potter?"

"Yup," Harry replied. Suddenly a painting started hovering off the wall. It had a cow on it that was mooing wildly. Draco looked up and gave a short whine. The painting then turned down to face Malfoy and was smashed over his head. Everyone in the area started laughing at Malfoy because his head was smashed through the cows behind, giving him an enormously funny appearance. Suddenly, everyone on the stairs peed their pants. In sync, they all said, "Oh great. This SUCKS."

Harry made his way to the Gryffindor dormitories. He stopped to think for a second, and then he said the magic word to open the door. The fat lady laughed at Harry because every time he forgot the password his face twisted. Harry responded by giving her a devious smirk, then ripping the painting off of the door and throwing it down the balcony.

As Draco was getting his balance back from the blow to the head with the cow mural, the painting of the fat lady was smashed through Malfoy's head. The fat lady was screaming at Draco and this scared him, so he jumped off the balcony and broke his legs. Harry laughed so hard at seeing Draco jump off the balcony that he peed his pants and said, "Oh great. This SUCKS."

**Chapter Four: The Hogwarts Experience**

Harry's first assignment for the year was to go to the library and find a book on flying shizzlewigs. Harry decided that it wasn't important, but he went to the library anyway. He saw a really fat nerd with his face pressed into his book. Harry got another one of his brilliant ideas. He sent a spell to the book, causing it to smash the fat nerds face into the pages containing information on unicorns. The kid immediately shot up and ran out of the library, jumping over the balcony just outside. Harry decided not to laugh this time, for fear of peeing his pants.

Harry walked over to the counter and asked the lady if they had any books on flying shizzlewigs so that Harry could pretend to do his research. The woman ignored Harry. A frown crossed Harry's face, followed by an evil grin. He looked up and noticed a chandelier on the ceiling above the woman at the counter. He shot a spell at it causing it to fall, but it missed the woman, who was unaware that the chandelier even fell in the first place. She was too deep in a book to notice anything.

Harry sighed. He walked to the doorway of the library, and then looked back at the lady. He figured it would ruin his reputation not to cause some form of trouble, so he picked up a chair using magic and flung it at the librarian. Good shot, Harry!

Harry left the library knowing that he had done a good deed…or rather…knowing he had done something to keep up appearances. Suddenly he ran into Hermione who gave Harry an angry look, despising him for dumping orange juice on her head. Harry started coughing on Hermione and then he barfed all over her robes. Hermione screamed and ran away. Harry laughed so hard that he started coughing again, then he barfed, then he peed his pants and said, "Oh great. This SUCKS."

Cho Chang saw what happened and walked over to Harry. "I can't believe I used to like you," Cho said. "You are probably the most obnoxious person ever." Harry shrugged. He didn't care. He smiled at Cho, who raised an eyebrow to Harry. Then Harry pushed Cho off of the balcony. Harry liked doing that.

Cho landed on Draco who broke her fall. In turn, Cho broke both of Draco's arms. Harry looked over and waved to Cho at the bottom floor, and then he shot a spit ball at her with a straw. It landed smack dab on Cho's forehead and Harry walked away.

Harry's scar began to hurt. Voldemort must be near. Harry winced in pain. He knew he was in his seventh year of Hogwarts, so this year for sure he would be killing Voldemort. He kicked down a wall to find Voldemort drinking a cup of tea in a small lounge. Voldemort got up and flew through the wall. "Darn," Harry said. "Oh well. I'll find him later."

He found Voldemort later walking amongst a group of students, disguising himself inside Neville's body. He blasted Neville to guts with a spell and was expelled from Hogwarts. That sucks. But that didn't stop Harry.

**Chapter Five: The Return of Harry**

Harry came back to the school one day and threw rocks at professor McGonagall's window. She looked out, opened the window and threw a ruler at Harry. "I don't care if you were a star pupil a year ago. Now you're just a bunch of bologna!"

Harry started dancing around like an idiot. "Cuz Oscar Meyer has a way with B-O-L-O-G-N-A!" Harry clapped his hands. Annoyed, Professor McGonagall closed the window. This made Harry very angry. He picked up a boulder with his wand and shot it at the window smashing it open.

"Mister Potter! Stop this nonsense at once! I should have you arrested for trespassing on school grounds!

Harry ignored her attempts to put him in line and looked over at a tree. Harry loved trees. He started hitting his face against it. Then he stopped and turned back toward McGonagall. "You're just jealous because I'm not in your class anymore!"

Professor McGonagall laughed, hard.

Harry gave her a demonic look. Using his wand, he picked up the tree he had smashed his face against seconds ago and threw it at her. Harry laughed until he peed his pants again "Oh great. This SUCKS."

Harry looked over at a cave near the lake. His scar started to hurt, so he used some ointment to stop the pain. After all the fun Harry had today, he decided to order a pizza. Flying Wizard Pizza was the fastest pizza place in the universe! It was shortly delivered.

Harry took the pizza and didn't pay the wizard. Instead he kicked the wizard in the shins and told him to buzz off. He decided to save the pizza for his friend Ron Weasley, even though Ron had been drop-kicked out the window on the train and hadn't been seen since.

**Chapter Six: The Cave**

Harry ventured into the cave where he found Ron tied with a dark magic rope to a post. "Hi Ron," Harry said. "What's wrong?

"Hmm, let me think," Ron said. "Maybe it's the fact that you freaking DROP-KICKED me out the window and made everyone throw their lunch at me."

"Yeah, that was funny!" Harry exclaimed.

Ron rolled his eyes. "Also I'm not very happy because I'm stuck to this post. Now will you untie me? I'm getting a severe rash on my torso."

Harry touched the dark magic with his hands and they immediately fell off. Harry gasped. "Whoa…"Harry said. "That was cool!" Harry stuck part of his forearm into the magic which was chopped off with a clean even cut.

"Stop it Harry!" Ron shouted. "Get me out of here!"

"Uhhh… yeah… it's kind of hard to free you without hands…" Harry used his mouth to reach down in his robe pocket and pull out his wand, which strangely hadn't been taken away when he was expelled from Hogwarts. He stuck it through the flesh in his arm and froze the dark magic rope with a spell. Then he broke the ice ring with the remainder of his limb. "I think it would be a good idea to put my limbs back together," said Harry.

"Yeah, let me help you with that," said Ron as he leaned down. Suddenly, Ron's entire upper torso fell off. "AHHHHH!" Ron screamed.

"AHHHHH!" Harry screamed.

"AHHHHH!" Ron screamed again.

"AHHHHH!" Harry also screamed again.

**Chapter Seven: Patching Up Friendships**

This continued for several hours until Hermione finally went down the cave to shut them up. "What happened guys!?" Hermione asked, all panicky and crap.

"We were playing with dark magic!" Harry said happily.

"Are you guys really that stupid?" Hermione asked sharply.

"Yes," Harry replied.

Ron just looked at Hermione and rolled his eyes like Ron does. "Are you just going to stand there or are you going to help us out of this?!"

Hermione put her hand over her mouth, hiding a snicker.

"Hermione…" Harry started, "You know you're not aloud to have snickers without my permission."

Hermione sighed and threw the piece of candy to the limbless Harry, who took off his shoe and used his toes to move the piece of candy to his mouth. As Harry ate the chocolate, Ron scowled at Hermione. "Stop horsing around and help us!" Ron exclaimed.

Despite how much Hermione did know about magic, she knew no spells on how to put limbs back together. Hermione dug deep into her pockets and managed to fish out a roll of scotch tape. "Here you go, this is the best I can do." Hermione threw the roll of tape to the floor, just out of Ron's reach. Harry couldn't pick it up because he no longer had hands for grasping objects.

Hermione sighed again and walked over to pick up the tape to help Harry put his hands back on. "There we are!" Hermione said, satisfied.

Ron looked up at the two and said, "Come on, I haven't got all day!"

Harry stood Ron's legs back up and Hermione picked up his torso. She gently set it on the legs and wrapped two strips of tape around Ron's waist.

"Thanks guys, but something doesn't feel right," Ron said. He started to walk, but he was walking forward, backwards, which would mean he was using his legs to walk forward but he ended up going backward, which would mean his legs were taped on backwards. Ron, not knowing where he was going, ended up hitting the wall.

Hermione hid another snicker with her hand by her mouth.

"Hermione…"

"Ughh…" Hermione said, as she passed Harry the snickers candy bar she tried to hide again.

"You guys taped my legs on backwards!" Ron yelled. "How stupid could you be?"

"You don't know the half of it," Harry replied, smiling.

Hermione picked Ron up and he corrected his balance. Then he tried to walk forward again which sent him backwards. He furiously tried to run forward which only made him go backwards faster…and faster…and faster…and faster…until Ron ran out the cave door and fell off the cliff outside and into the ocean.

A couple of minutes later, Hermione and Harry found Ron on the beach coughing up seawater. "I hate you guys. I can't believe you would do this to me. You are terrible people. I wish that…" Hermione was sick of the insults. She took Ron's head and snapped his neck, turning his head around 180 degrees. Ron moved his head from side to side. "Hey," he said. This isn't half bad!" Ron walked around in circles admiring his new look. "I like it," Ron said, satisfied.

**Chapter Eight: The Final Showdown**

The trio ventured back into the cave. Harry's scar started pounding and all of the sudden they heard someone laughing.

Voldemort seeped through the floor slowly as suspenseful ambient music begin to play. It was Voldemort, in the flesh. And he was back, stronger than ever. With the suspenseful music growing faster by the minute, Harry watched as Voldemort seeped through the rest of the floor and then stood tall, staring at Harry with his evil yellow eyes. Suddenly the music went silent. Harry, Hermione, and Ron stood perfectly still, eyeing Voldemort suspiciously. Then they all began to laugh hysterically.

"SHUT UP YOU FOOLS!" Voldemort screamed. The three continued to laugh until Voldemort broke the entire floor around the cave, and lava bursted up from under ground creating a pool of lava surrounding an island. "YOU DARE TO MOCK ME? I THINK NOT!" Voldemort scolded.

Harry shivered until he peed his pants and looked down. "Oh great. This SUCKS." Harry said.

Ron dearly wished he could pee his pants too for comic relief.

Hermione gathered up enough courage to pick up a rock from the floor. She tossed it at Voldemort. The stone hit him gently and rolled down his leg.

"HA. YOU REALLY ARE FOOLS!" Voldemort shouted. "YOU THINK YOU CAN STOP ME WITH A MEASLY PEBBLE?!" Voldemort laughed. Then he attempted to "Avada-Kedavra" Harry. Quickly, Ron jumped in front of Harry and exploded to guts. Harry looked down in shock.

"OH," said Voldemort, "WHAT A BRAVE ACT OF COURAGE!" Suddenly the ground started to shake. "WHAT'S GOING ON?" questioned Voldemort. Just then, the ground from above caved in and a huge man fell down. He got off of his rear and turned around to look at Harry.

"Blimey! I reckon it took me a good three hours to mine down here!" It was Hagrid that emerged from the ceiling. He turned around and looked at Voldemort. "Oh. Is this a bad time?"

"Well," said Harry. "I don't know what you were doing digging a hole here, but yes, this is a bad time."

"Well I was lookin' fer gold o'course!" Hagrid chuckled and turned around to face Voldemort again. "And what are YOU doing here…"

"OH, WELL I WAS JUST ABOUT TO KILL THE BOY," Voldemort said, "BUT GORING YOU WOULD CREATE A MUCH MORE SATISFYING MESS!"

"Not so fast!" A pale figure emerged from the hole that Hagrid came down. It was Nearly-Headless Nick! "If you want to get to Hagrid, you'll have to go through me!"

"FAIR ENOUGH," said Voldemort. He fired another death spell at Nearly-Headless Nick. The blast passed right through him and hit Hagrid in the stomach, bouncing off of him, going back through Nearly-Headless Nick, and heading straight towards Voldemort. Suddenly out of nowhere, Peter Pettigrew jumped in front of Voldemort and exploded into a gory mess.

"THAT WAS A WASTE. EVEN A DEATH BLAST CAN'T HARM ME! HAHHAHAHAHAHHAHA!"

The group was hopeless. Nothing could stop Voldemort now. Suddenly Dobby the house elf came running through the cave door.

"I've just been informed that…" Dobby paused and saw the Dark Lord standing before him. "GUYS. THAT'S LORD VOLDEMORT!" Dobby quickly ran to the corner with the rest of the crew. Harry punched Dobby in the face for being a stupid, ignorant moron.

Dobby, Harry, Hagrid, Nearly-Headless Nick, Hermione, and Ron's remains were all in the corner of the room. Only Nearly-Headless Nick and Hagrid were invulnerable to Voldemort's power, so they stayed up front protecting the rest of the group. Suddenly footsteps could be heard coming from the entrance of the cave. It was Professor McGonagall! She had come to save the day! Or did she?

"Hello Hagrid. These students must report to detention because they failed to attend class today."

"I don't reckon this is a good time fer that ma'am…" Hagrid said. Professor McGonagall looked over to see Voldemort standing at the side of the room, eating an apple and enjoying the sight of people hiding at the corner of the room from him. She also fled to the corner where everyone was standing.

"THIS IS QUITE ENJOYABLE," Voldemort said.

Suddenly a miracle happened. Harry pulled out his wand and shot a spark at the ceiling above Voldemort.

"You missed…Idiot," Hermione said.

"No I didn't!" Harry said.

Suddenly the ceiling above Voldemort began to crack.

"OH CRAP!" screamed Voldemort. Voldemort said he was surely invulnerable to death blasts and all other magic, but he did NOT say anything about natural disasters! The rest of the ceiling around Voldemort cracked. He tried to run away, but slipped over one of Peter Pettigrew's blobs of fat. The rock crushed Voldemorts legs, causing all of his guts to rush to his head, kind of like a tube of toothpaste, and then his head exploded.

But there was no gore. Instead, McDonalds french fries flew everywhere. It wasn't his blood that made him evil. Voldemort was filled with McDonalds french fries, the purest evil in the universe. That's what made him so dark. He was a victim of McDonald's wrath, and he took hold of their power to harness it as his own, changing it into dark magic. Some of the fries landed in the mouths of the heroes and they chewed them silently.

After a brief moment, everyone in the room started loosening up. Suddenly Ron said "I have a feeling in my guts that he's not going to be coming back soon." Everyone laughed. Harry laughed so hard that he peed his pants and said, "Oh great. This SUCKS."

**Afterword**

And so Harry Potter was readmitted to Hogwarts School and completed his seventh year. He decided to stop being a juvenile delinquent and instead be the bright student he was in his first six years of Hogwarts. Ron and Neville were later healed, after their individual incidents that came about as a result of Harry's wish to be cool. Everyone forgave Harry for being a dick and Harry continued on to be known as the greatest wizard of all time…

**The End**

**Chapter Nine: The Bonus Chapter**

Harry returned home to his dysfunctional family's home. Dudley was first to greet Harry by spitting on him. "Ha ha! Nyeh nyeh!" Dudley taunted. This made Harry VERY angry, angrier than he'd ever been in his life. Over his 7 years of having to deal with that stupid Voldemort guy, he was finally tired of it.

Harry ran to his room to pull out something he'd been saving for Dudley for a rainy day. He took the wrapped up package downstairs and passed it to Dudley who ripped it out of Harry's hands and greedily tore the paper off. "Whoa!" Dudley said as he admired what Harry gave him. It was a railgun.

"Here, Dudley. Let me show you how to use it!" Harry took the gun, pointed it at Dudley, and blasted him into a cloud of blood and guts which hit the wall in a gory mess.

There was a moment of silence, then Dudley said, "I hate you Harry."

"I hate you too Dudley." Harry replied, smiling. The camera that filmed all of this slowly panned out the window and calm violin music played as the scene faded to black.

ROLL CREDITS, YO.


End file.
